Care instructions for your anatomically correct knitted heart

Warm (40 C) wash cycle, minimum machine action. The regular contraction of the organ itself will provide sufficient flow of water. Have the temperature any warmer, however, and the contraction will be irregular, stronger and may even lead to shrinkage. Excessive machine action and/or contractions may cause felting of the arteries leading to loss of flexibility and possible heart attack.

Warm iron. Anaemia may cause rapid heart rate, it’s best to keep levels topped up.

Do not bleach. Paleness is one of the first signs of ill health and can indicate frostbite and anaemia among other things. Should loss of colour occur administer warm iron (see above).

Dry cleanable in all solvents. Other, of course, than hydrocarbons. Best stick to water.

Do not tumble dry. The irregular motion may trigger cardiac dysrhythmia which could result in cardiac arrest.

Remember to maintain pristine dental hygiene. There is a direct correlation between the health of the mouth and that of the heart. Floss regularly with a lace weight thread spun from the fleece of a sheep with a long staple. Blue-faced Leicester or Wensleydale would be ideal.

Regular exercise is also important to maintain your heart in optimum condition. Spinning classes are particularly recommended. Remember to vary the speed of the wheel to ensure you have a full aerobic workout.

Should you be unable to locate appropriate floss, remove some of the contents of your heart and take to your spinning class. With practice a lace weight will result.

With the correct care your anatomically correct knitted heart will give you years of trouble-free service.

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